| A Plea for Warmth and Affection: New Skills for the | | | | and maintain. One of the difficultiespeople have in |
| Dysfunctional | | | | recovery from dysfunctional families is that growingup |
| Familyby Mark Sichel, LCSW | | | | in these families, we learn what I call TWISTED |
| How many of you who have grown up in | | | | THINKING. It isvery difficult to get over twisted thinking |
| dysfunctional families rememberspontaneous | | | | when you have been raisedwith that kind of attitude. |
| expressions of love and caring? How often were | | | | In an alcoholic family, there is often a notion that if you |
| youhugged? How easily are you able to hug another | | | | encouragea child to aspire, you will encourage a |
| person? Sadly, forthe adult children of dysfunctional | | | | "swelled head." |
| families, the answers areusually "not very often" and | | | | Similarly,if you tell a child how wonderful they are, you |
| "not very easily." | | | | will make themconceited. This kind of twisted thinking |
| Luckily, I think that for many people warmth is a tool | | | | goes on in a dysfunctionalfamily. |
| that can belearned. In many ways, one can integrate a | | | | In a dysfunctional family, if you tell someone you love |
| habit into one'slifestyle. If you have grown up in a family | | | | him or her,they will become accustomed to it and just |
| where you have neverheard the words "I love you," | | | | take you for granted. |
| you need to make it a practice andhabit to say "I love | | | | Similarly, if another member of the family tells you they |
| you" within your current family and supportsystem. | | | | love you,you will wonder what they want from you. |
| Many of us just do not think of saying I love you, | | | | This is also twistedthinking. |
| andtherefore, if you want to achieve this new | | | | The overall climate in many dysfunctional and alcoholic |
| behavior, you need toconsciously focus on integrating | | | | homes is onewhere celebration and festivity is not |
| the behavior into your life. | | | | encouraged, unless it iswithin the confines of "cocktail |
| One of the most heart wrenching stories I have heard | | | | hour." Children are givenutilitarian gifts rather than what |
| over the yearswas from a man who grew up in a | | | | they want, and gift-wrapping isoften seen as a |
| highly dysfunctional family with analcoholic father and a | | | | frivolous expense. If you help a child with |
| narcissistic self-involved mother. He relatedto me how | | | | theirhomework, they will "never" learn to do it on their |
| when he was eleven years old, he cut himself while | | | | own. If yourchild does not want help with their |
| playingin the yard, and in his panic and fear, rushed into | | | | homework, they are ungrateful. |
| the house. Hismother, rather than comforting him and | | | | A good way to begin to integrate warmth and positive |
| taking care of him shriekedand scolded him instead | | | | affection inyour relationships is to make an appreciation |
| with the words: "You're bleeding all over myrug! Get | | | | list of the qualitiesyou admire in your significant other. |
| into the bathroom now." She then proceeded to focus | | | | Share that list of qualitiesyou appreciate and set your |
| ontrying to get the blood stains out of her rug, while the | | | | feet on the path to warm and affectionaterelationships. |
| eleven yearold boy tended to his wounds as best he | | | | Copyright 2004: Mark Sichel is a psychotherapist, |
| could. | | | | consultant, andspeaker on a broad range of issues |
| When people have memories like these, it is very, very | | | | related to family, mental health,and interpersonal |
| hard to askfor warmth, and to trust warmth that is | | | | problems. He is the editor and principal author ofthe |
| offered freely. One of thebiggest achievements I've | | | | award winning self-help website, For amore detailed |
| seen people make in their therapy work isto learn | | | | guide to overcoming the panic brought on |
| when they need to ask for a hug rather than get into | | | | bydysfunctional family experiences, read Mark Sichel's |
| a fightwith their partner. | | | | new book, |
| One of the joys in life are warm and affectionate | | | | Healing From Family Rifts : Ten Steps to Finding Peace |
| relationships withthe people we love. For so many of | | | | After Being |
| us, this is a learned skill andone we struggle to sustain | | | | Cut Off From a Family. |