| Of all the people I have encountered who once | | | | situation needs to be explored. I have made the |
| struggled as an alcoholic, but don't anymore, none of | | | | mistake of trying to motivate change in someone while |
| them said it was their spouse's or families' fault. "If only | | | | ignoring the fact that they have nowhere to live and |
| he/she did not enable me so much" or "if only he/she | | | | not enough money to eat on. Be practical and realistic |
| was not a codependent, I could have stopped drinking | | | | with how you help. Don't just throw out ideas. Set |
| sooner", are two statements I have never heard from | | | | practical goals for the specific needs of the individual. |
| a recovered alcoholic. In fact, it is the complete | | | | So What can We do To Give The Alcoholic Help? |
| opposite. Those who have "recovered" value the | | | | - We must empower the individual struggling with |
| strength and understanding they received from others. | | | | alcohol. We do this by taking away all the excuses the |
| Does this mean you become a doormat? Absolutely | | | | alcoholic spouse or husband may have to why they |
| not. Below you may find some helpful information on | | | | cannot stop drinking. As we have seen, the alcoholic |
| how to give the alcoholic help. But in no way think that | | | | will have many of these excuses. But, the bottom line |
| the answer can be found anywhere but truly in your | | | | is that they do not believe they have the necessary |
| heart. What works for one, may not work for another. | | | | personal resources to overcome their drinking. |
| What one person wants and can put up with, another | | | | - Self-confidence is the key. Find and emphasize the |
| may not be able to. Determine how much you are | | | | alcoholics talents. I do not believe someone who |
| willing to take, then set the boundaries. Talk to your | | | | struggles with alcohol is weak willed or spiritually |
| alcoholic husband or spouse and make these | | | | deprived. Their wills have taken them places no one |
| boundaries clear. | | | | else would want to go. If they wanted to drink they |
| There are many theories of how to help an alcoholic | | | | found a way to do it. Use this strength to re-focus |
| and of course everyone believes to know the | | | | them and give the alcoholic help. |
| answers of how to best give the alcoholic help. But | | | | - Their spirituality is normally quit strong inside them. |
| from experience, I found that the reality of living with | | | | They are searching for something, a meaning. Help the |
| an alcoholic is very different than the theory.One | | | | alcoholic develop and find this meaning. Victor Frankl |
| approach does not fit all. We have to be comfortable | | | | wrote that if you give a person purpose and meaning, |
| with the choices and decisions we make when giving | | | | they will find a way through anything no matter how |
| the alcoholic help. Theories and opinions of others do | | | | hopeless it seems. Even atheists believe in something, |
| not necessarily help us fall asleep at night if they go | | | | even if it is life itself. |
| against what we believe or are willing to do in helping | | | | - For every choice to use alcohol, there is an |
| the alcoholic spouse or husband. In fact, these theories | | | | alternative choice also available. The alcoholic husband |
| and opinions can be detrimental if they are given as | | | | or spouse may have forgotten this part. The |
| absolutes, or if they judge or victimize the person trying | | | | alternative choice will most likely impact the problem |
| to help the alcoholic husband or spouse. | | | | more directly to resolve it and not further its existence. |
| The following are some suggestions I found helpful | | | | Fear may enter here, for it is scary to take on |
| from people who have struggled with an alcoholic | | | | responsibility. The alcoholic spouse or husband may |
| husband or spouse. Like myself, not everyone can be | | | | have avoided responsibility like the plague. But when |
| thrown into the codependent or enabler category | | | | they finally realize that their control comes from |
| simply because they refuse to give up or leave the | | | | responsible choices, they are more willing to attempt it. |
| alcoholic. | | | | The key is when they can see how choosing the |
| I believe that understanding the dynamics underlying | | | | responsible choice will positively impact their life |
| the alcoholic behavior will help the family or friends | | | | situation. When life situations can't be seen as |
| support and challenge the alcoholic to move on to a | | | | improving, change will be hard fought. |
| better life. | | | | - No one truly enjoys their drinking behavior. They don't |
| There are two aspects of change necessary for the | | | | drink because they "like it". Think back to the first few |
| alcoholic husband or alcoholic spouse: | | | | times you drank. The taste was awful and it most |
| 1) There must be a desire to change. | | | | likely made you sick. No one I have ever encountered |
| 2) There must be a belief that the change will | | | | formed their desire to use after the first drink. It took |
| positively impact their life. | | | | some work. |
| 1) The desire to change includes... | | | | - Make sure goals are clear and achievable. The |
| - A focus on the positives of the person struggling with | | | | alcoholic husband or spouse must develop a clear |
| alcohol. Why? Because the alcoholic already knows | | | | vision and plan of what they want and who they want |
| their life is a mess. What they don't know is if they | | | | to be. This is most important, for through their use of |
| have the ability to climb out of this mess. | | | | alcohol most have lost sight of the dreams and goals |
| - An improved self-confidence, as self-esteem is an | | | | they once had. Remind them. Most healthy people look |
| issue here. The alcoholic husband or spouse doubts | | | | at the world as their playground. The alcoholic looks at |
| their ability to handle life situations. If they doubt they | | | | the world as their prison. Help them find the key. |
| can survive the stress of life without their crutch | | | | - Avoid cleaning up their mess. Don't get involved with |
| (alcohol), then they are not going to give it up and will | | | | the blame game. Alcoholics are real good at this. They |
| be resistant to any alcoholic help you may try to give. | | | | can twist any situation to support their misery. Let |
| - Moving away from dwelling on negative | | | | choices and consequences be theirs. This way there is |
| consequences of drinking. We often like to | | | | no one to blame but themselves. |
| overemphasize the negative consequences the | | | | - Let them know that it is OK to feel. Most alcoholics |
| alcoholic husband or spouse is going to experience if | | | | don't know how to do this. Teach them. To them, |
| they continue using alcohol. We throw statements at | | | | feelings are the enemy and have to be avoided. |
| them like: "You are going to end up in jail" or "You are | | | | Feelings come and go and feelings will not kill you. It's |
| destroying your body". They already know this. What | | | | how you respond to them that matters. |
| they don't know is if they have the inner capabilities to | | | | - Fear is at the root of all problem drinking. Get the |
| avoid these negative consequences. | | | | alcoholic spouse or husband to tackle one of these |
| An important point here is that the alcoholic | | | | fears head on and they gain some ground. Build on |
| compensates for their feelings of inadequacy, fear and | | | | these small successes so they can start to see their |
| helplessness by drinking. To constantly remind them of | | | | innate abilities to change. |
| the negative consequences does not find a solution or | | | | - Get them out of their heads! There is no destructive |
| way for them to regain control of their fear and | | | | force in the world greater than an alcoholics |
| helplessness in a healthy manner. You may wonder | | | | self-centered thinking. Mental illness has been defined |
| how destroying their life even more with alcohol helps | | | | as perceiving without testing. We perceive according |
| them regain control? Here it is: Alcohol use is often | | | | to the stories we tell ourselves in our heads. It does |
| comforting in a sense that using is predictable and | | | | not matter the reality of these stories. They are how |
| consistent. What? No matter what is going on in life, | | | | we see the world. The alcoholic husband or spouse |
| the alcoholic spouse or husband knows they can | | | | has such a selfish view (story) that if they are left in |
| assert their "will" or control through their use of alcohol. | | | | their own heads, there is little chance of positive |
| It's their perception. They may not like the pain alcohol | | | | change. What works well here is to have the alcoholic |
| causes them, but at least they know what to expect. | | | | help out others. If they are thinking of someone else, |
| They are miserable, but without alcohol they would not | | | | they will not be thinking of themselves. There is no |
| know how to cope. The fear of the unknown is | | | | greater fulfillment in the world than one who truly gives |
| greater than the pain of drinking. | | | | to another and expects nothing in return. Teach them |
| Self-esteem may be confused with sobriety. The | | | | to give. |
| alcoholic husband or spouse may not regain an instant | | | | - Perhaps the most dangerous idea in the treatment |
| positive self-image simply by becoming sober. | | | | field is the phrase "You have to do it for yourself". |
| Self-esteem needs to be associated with more than | | | | Who do you think the alcoholic spouse or husband has |
| particular actions. Otherwise a belief occurs that if I do | | | | been serving all this time? His family and friends? No, |
| such and such then I am a good person and I will | | | | themselves. Get them out of their heads! Teach them |
| remain sober. This can get the alcoholic in trouble if | | | | to help others. Help them find their vision and meaning! |
| they do the proper actions and don't get the right | | | | - Motives drive an addiction. Teach them to examine |
| response (sobriety). Instead, start emphasizing that | | | | the motives behind their drinking behavior. Most of their |
| personal worth is present when the alcoholic believes it | | | | motives will be fear based. Remember their drinking is |
| is because they are alive and have every capability to | | | | their attempt to control an internal feeling of fear and |
| thrive and succeed. | | | | helplessness. A good rule of thumb in checking |
| 2) The belief that the change will positively impact their | | | | motives to a behavior is to ask, "Will this hurt or harm |
| life includes: | | | | myself or others?" If the answer is yes, then difficulties |
| - Proper support and peer groups. This is important | | | | lie ahead. Behaviors with fear as their motive will only |
| that support is present. Remember we all rise or fall to | | | | result in self-protecting behavior. They will not focus on |
| the expectation of our peers. If someone using alcohol | | | | a solution to a problem and will not satisfy. |
| does not seem to be changing for the better, I'll bet it is | | | | - Fear and guilt do little to help the alcoholic abstain |
| because they do not see any significant personal life | | | | from alcohol! Most professionals focus on the negative |
| benefits or improvement. | | | | consequences as a reason to abstain from alcohol. |
| This goes to their perception of what life improvement | | | | This is the wrong approach. The alcoholic already |
| means, but it also has to do with realistic life situations. | | | | knows, or has experienced the negative |
| Are the alcoholic's current goals and values in line with | | | | consequences associated with drinking. This has not |
| what they want their life to be about? If not, they need | | | | hindered their use. They may cut down for a while |
| to be revisited. Do they need to look for better | | | | after experiencing a negative consequence only to |
| employment? Change the crowd they hang out with? | | | | resume normal use as time goes on. This is because |
| Often we become concerned when someone wants | | | | alcoholics do not like to live in fear. They want to |
| to drop out of school or change jobs. Make sure the | | | | escape it. Guilt is the same thing. Alcoholics want to |
| motive is good, but find out what they really desire and | | | | avoid it. Fear and guilt focus on the problem not the |
| value in life. Maybe they are telling you they have a | | | | solution. Teach the alcoholic husband or spouse to |
| better idea and path for their life. Explore the options | | | | focus on the solution. This is done by having them see |
| and motivations for what the alcoholic wants their life | | | | that change occurs when they focus their life on |
| to be about. | | | | something other than drinking. |
| - Giving dignity to the alcoholic spouse or husband by | | | | - Don't define them as "in recovery" or by "sober time". |
| allowing them to own their problem. We sometimes | | | | This is a focus on the problem. When the alcoholic |
| assume that someone who overuses alcohol is | | | | husband or spouse realize they can handle stress in |
| incompetent or unable to decide for themselves what | | | | life, not because they are "sober" or "in recovery" but |
| options they need. They know. They are just too | | | | because they are alive and equipped with the ability to |
| unsure of themselves and afraid to act on these | | | | do so, alcohol will be irrelevant. They choose the right |
| options. Think about it, if they currently use alcohol they | | | | way because it is simply right for them, not because |
| are already telling you they are not happy with current | | | | they fear the consequences. This may be difficult for |
| life situations. Help them find and explore the right ones. | | | | them to see at first until they clarify their goals and |
| - Understanding the alcoholics immediate needs. | | | | who they want to be. |
| Whatever the alcoholic believes is impairing their life | | | | |