| 1. Put Your Trust In Your God. The Universe is | | | | of the choices. So make your choices and decisions |
| controlled by a divine power. Put your trust in the | | | | wisely! |
| power of prayer and listen to the answers. Throughout | | | | 9. Don't Take Advice from Friends. All that being said, |
| my marriage, I prayed for the strength to get through | | | | in number 8, recognize that you shouldn't take advice |
| some very difficult times. Not being an addict myself, I | | | | from friends as "set in stone". Take the input, weigh in |
| cannot understand putting a chemical in my body and | | | | out, balance it with information from searching the |
| holding that chemical in a more important place than | | | | internet but just know that friends are biased. Unless |
| my family. I just don't get it but in the end, if your | | | | your friends are trained professionals, and even then, |
| spouse won't seek professional help for drug and | | | | while their input may be heartfelt, it might be totally |
| alcohol addictions, it's probably time to go. I was so | | | | wrong for your situation and they could be biased. |
| frightened, and I felt I had not option but to leave to | | | | Take all the input and apply what works to your |
| protect myself (and the children). In the beginning, I was | | | | individual situation. |
| dumb-founded (I still am) that he would choose drugs | | | | 10. Insurances. Make sure all your insurances are up to |
| over us, his family, but THAT WAS his choice. | | | | date. Medical, vehicle, home, life. In my situation, for |
| Although I can't control his choices, I AM affected by | | | | whatever reason (I surmise his processes were |
| his choices, and I CAN control HOW I will react to | | | | clouded by the drug/alcohol usage), the car insurance |
| those choices. So, I pray...a lot. | | | | didn't get paid and we were driving for months with no |
| 2. Get Legal Advice - Know that anything a drug | | | | car insurance. In my state, that's illegal and it was |
| addict says, no matter how sincere it seems at face | | | | reported to the state and that opened another can of |
| value, is driven by the drugs. Whether the discussion is | | | | worms, which caused further damage to my credit |
| about the children or money, don't trust anything an | | | | score. So take responsibility and make sure ALL your |
| addict says. A professional told me that when you are | | | | insurances are current. |
| divorcing a drug addict, you MUST face the fact that a | | | | 11. Your Finances. Your finances are a very crucial part |
| drug addict is having an affair! You (and the children, if | | | | of a divorce. If at all possible, I would suggest that you |
| there are children) are no longer the primary focus for | | | | should, unfortunately, preplan by tucking some money |
| a spouse with drug/alcohol issues. An affair with the | | | | aside, before the divorce, in the event that things turn |
| drugs is very difficult for the other spouse to "fight". (A | | | | ugly. You will, at least, have access to SOME money |
| friend of mine went through a divorce with a partner | | | | to see you through some difficult roads ahead. Money |
| that was a chronic "cheater", she felt my situation was | | | | in should always be more than money out, but |
| easier. Divorcing a drug addict is the same as divorcing | | | | particularly important during a divorce. Work diligently |
| a "cheater" - the trust is gone! Once the trust is gone - | | | | towards keeping credit cards in order. Continue, if at all |
| it's gone!) So, unfortunately, you must have legal | | | | possible, to add to your savings plan every month.. You |
| representation, unless the addict is willing to sign | | | | really should be aware of tax ramifications and the |
| everything over and just walk away. If your spouse is | | | | long term impact - things that your lawyer may not |
| willing to "give" you everything, you should still have an | | | | have expertise in. Work with an accountant or a |
| attorney and perhaps an accountant review and | | | | divorce planning financial expert. Hindsight is always 20 |
| advise you on any short term, long term and/or tax | | | | 20 is how the saying goes and in looking back I realize |
| implications. Check with friends or go online and get | | | | that during my marriage, we lived off of one salary |
| referrals from chat rooms, web forums or even | | | | and banked the other. While in the marriage, I thought |
| Twitter can guide you to websites to help you do | | | | that was a great idea. Now though, when he closed |
| some research, but in the end, get professional advice. | | | | the bank accounts and took all the money, I realize that |
| 3. Get Support from Friends. A divorce is emotionally | | | | wasn't such a good idea. Get an accountant. |
| draining. Typically, your friends and family don't want to | | | | 12. Look After Yourself. The road ahead will be taxing |
| hear it, but it's really important to have someone that is | | | | and probably difficult, depending on how much of a |
| willing to listen and just offer support. Not guidance, just | | | | time/emotional investment you made into your |
| support. | | | | marriage. Take the time to relax, do whatever it is that |
| 4. Get Therapy. If you can afford to visit with a | | | | brings some "you" time. Go for walks, play cards, ride |
| therapist, I would highly recommend that you do that. A | | | | horses, yoga, read, play the piano, it's important to find |
| trained professional can help you understand the inner | | | | time to experience the things that bring you stress |
| brain workings of a drug/alcohol addict. AND, whether | | | | relief. Stress can be difficult to manage at any time in |
| you want to hear it or not, at some level you have | | | | your life, but particularly during a divorce. The point is |
| some responsibility in all this. A therapist can help you | | | | that a divorce CAN consume you, IF you let it. So, take |
| see the areas where you have to take ownership of | | | | the time to take time for you. Make sure you still get |
| this crisis. There are studies out now, that have | | | | your hair done, your nails, pamper yourself and just |
| revealed that people with addictions have a gene that | | | | know, that no matter what someone else may be |
| can be identified. You may have to face the fact that, | | | | telling you - you are worth it. Looking after yourself |
| perhaps, you were an "enabler". Ultimately, though, the | | | | reinforces your energy levels, your resolve and your |
| responsibility for the addictions rest squarely on the | | | | determination. |
| shoulders of the addict. Unless, of course, you were | | | | In the beginning of the end, (or the end of the |
| the one that held your spouse down and physically | | | | beginning), I watched "Diary of a Mad Black Woman, I |
| forced the drugs into their body. | | | | watched, "Enough", I watched, "Sleeping with the |
| 5. Blog. If you live in a bubble, where you haven't | | | | Enemy" and while I recognized parts of each of those |
| access to friends, family and therapists then I would | | | | movies in my marriage, more than anything I |
| suggest that you blog or at the very least journal. Even | | | | recognized that the common element is a certain |
| if you do have friends and family, these support | | | | "system" of emotions that run amuck. First comes the |
| systems, firstly, get tired of hearing about your | | | | rush of fear, then indignation, then anger, then, fear |
| indignations and hurts and secondly, your friends and | | | | again. More indignation, anger and then acceptance |
| family, unless they have been through it, may not know | | | | and resolution. Through it all, runs the desire to "hate" - |
| how to support you. It's one thing to have friends and | | | | eventually you come the resolution that these negative |
| family that can support you in a divorce, however, | | | | emotions fuel more of the same - through the Law of |
| divorcing an addict is NOT like going through a "normal" | | | | Attraction - so it's healthier (not easier - but healthier) to |
| "irreconcilable differences" divorce. Go online and find | | | | let it go. The Law of Attraction is very clear, whatever |
| others that are fighting the same dragons, find chat | | | | you focus on - whatever you think about you will bring |
| rooms and forums that can give you guidance in | | | | more of into your life. Anger, brings more anger, |
| finding lawyers and therapists etc. in your area of the | | | | conversely peace will bring more peace. |
| country. It will give you a chance to rant with someone | | | | Drug and alcohol addicts don't do drugs and alcohol |
| that understands and you can compare horror stories, | | | | because of something you have done, they do drugs |
| that, trust me, may eventually, with time, seem mildly | | | | and alcohol because of something going on in their |
| entertaining. Maybe, even funny. | | | | own reality. I used to get upset every time I opened an |
| 6. Protect your Credit. Any divorce will cause | | | | email offering to supply me with drugs without a |
| disruptions with your credit score, and especially today | | | | prescription - somehow I was able to easily hit the |
| with the current economic situation and problems with | | | | delete button. I can't say the same thing for everyone - |
| identity theft, it becomes even more important to | | | | otherwise these websites would not survive. You give |
| protect your identity and your credit score. This is not | | | | yourself too much credit if you think that you had |
| just directed at outsiders, your spouse might try to | | | | anything to do with turning your spouse into an addict. |
| hi-jack your identity, not just for their own self-serving | | | | At some level, even the addict can't control the |
| practices but, sometimes, as was in my case, an | | | | behavior. Hopefully, at some point, the addict will realize |
| attempt at causing you harm. In a divorce, both parties | | | | and reach out for the professional help that will help |
| have the potential (and the motive) to cause harm to | | | | them heal. |
| the others' credit. Horror stories abound about credit | | | | Another tidbit that I will impart, I have been told by the |
| catastrophes caused by angry spouses - like..... running | | | | drug addiction doctors that the drug addict will tell you |
| up credit cards in the other spouse's name and walking | | | | that they have recovered. This was certainly the case |
| away. Enlist a service, that for a monthly fee, will | | | | in my personal story. Most drugs cannot be controlled |
| monitor your credit score and advise you by email, if | | | | by the addict going "cold turkey" on their own. Usually, |
| there are any changes to your credit score. | | | | these drugs have to be "de-toxed" out of the body |
| 7. Set Up Your New Separate Identity. If it's not time | | | | using other drugs and a course of therapy and these |
| right now, it will be soon. So, there's no time like the | | | | things cannot be done on an out-patient basis. Once |
| present to start using your own name and identity. | | | | an addict has "recovered", that person's life will, |
| Start recognizing yourself as YOU. Separate and | | | | forever, be "in recovery". Whatever the addiction |
| apart from your identity as a spouse, having others | | | | gambling, drinking, drugs, on and on the list goes...... once |
| recognize you as a person standing alone will help you | | | | the addiction has been "conquered", it will always be a |
| feel more empowered. Think about reverting to your | | | | challenge AND one addiction can be replaced for |
| single name. | | | | another! It's really important that addiction issues be |
| 8. Take Your Time. Decisions made now, while not set | | | | dealt with by a licensed professional, under controlled |
| in stone, are important and will have an impact. | | | | settings. |
| Whether you decide to move to a new home or city, | | | | So, let it go - don't take their choices personally, and as |
| whether you choose one lawyer over another. All | | | | hard as it may seem, let them go...and pray for them. |
| these decisions are important. So make your choices | | | | I am not a professional, I encourage you to seek the |
| wisely and be informed as best you can. Take advice | | | | advice of a licensed professional to help you make |
| from any and all sources you can, but remember you | | | | critical decisions. |
| are the one that has to live with the long term impact | | | | |